Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Constant Thoughts

Visited in a dream again by someone from the past. I always remember these dreams most vividly. Whenever I see her there's a cat, an all white cat that is crazed and won't leave me alone. I know this has to have something to do with her, and it maybe a warning against my own thoughts. I could never love her again, but she lives in my memories. When someone shows you who they are it is best to believe them. She showed me years ago and now we visit in my dreams.

The white cat? I'm not sure what that symbolizes, but it can't be a good thing that it's always attacking me in each dream.

"To see a cat in your dream, symbolizes an independent spirit, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power. It also represents misfortune and bad luck. The dream symbol has different significance depending on whether you are a cat lover or not. The cat could indicate that someone is being deceitful or treacherous toward you. If the cat is aggressive, then it suggests that you are having problems with the feminine aspect of yourself. If you are afraid of the cat in your dream, then it suggests that you are fearful of the feminine. The dream may be a metaphor for "cattiness" or someone who is "catty" and malicious. If you see a cat with no tail, then it signifies a loss of independence and lack of autonomy.

To dream that a cat is biting you, symbolizes the devouring female. Perhaps you are taking and taking without giving. You may be expressing some fear or frustration especially when something is not going as planned. "



School is stressing me out and I'm generally uncomfortable. Finances are killing me and I need to get help with paying for classes. Asking family is harder than it seems. Applying for more loans seems ridiculous, but maybe the resource I turn to.

My camera is always out of focus yet I manage to maintain. I was approached by a professor to do an honors thesis. This would grant me automatic honors status and that's what I would like to achieve.

Then there's the whole issue of what to do once the cap and gown come off. Shall I proceed to a graduate program? It seems right to continue working because taking a break doesn't work for everyone. This momentum won't falter soon after graduation, but it may cease after time spent. I want to pursue the task of looking for a job. Then I think about my schedule for next semester and how hectic it will surly be. I'm going to dedicate this final year to my studies and hope a soft pillow falls under me after commencement. The soft pillow of employment.





This is a short story I finished up today, Past Transgressions.


I had the tux, the ring, and my bride, Yet I could not escape the feeling of missing something.

My best man was a no-show and no one knew the reason. A few days earlier he had seemed so upset, and wouldn't explain. I could see him mouthing the words, but I couldn't hear them. There was nothing I could do for him, so he walked out.

"Rob, I cannot sit back and watch you marry this girl!" he said half screaming.

"Why? I'm in love man, and it's real!" I pleaded.

"If you trust in me as a friend, you will leave her where you found her." He said with conviction.

He was always suspicious of everyone. I always chalked it up to his job with the feds. Lloyd couldn't help but do a background check on Jackie, even though I protested and asked to never know the outcome.

She was one of my fellow AA members. We had attended so many meetings together that we had no reason not to talk. Her smile was so warm and she felt like someone I had known before. She was always hiding herself in the back, as if she wanted nothing more than to blend in.

I remember the first time we spoke.

"Ever get tempted to go to the bar?" she asked. "Ever feel like you would be whole if you could just get your hands on a drink?"

"No, I am aware of the pain it caused me now." I responded confidently.

"You seem like you don't really need to be here Robert." She said with a smirk.

Those meetings just seemed routine now. I had been sober for 4 years without so much as a slip. I always did believe addictions were for the weak-minded. Alcohol just found me at the right time in my life. We exchanged numbers that day and went on a few dates before we started seeing each other exclusively. She never spoke much about her family, but I knew her addiction stemmed from a rough childhood. My thoughts seemed to consume me before my father walked in the room.

"Junior! I hope you're ready for that beautiful bride. Oh! and your friend dropped this off for you." said my father with glee.

He fixed my tie and placed the envelope in my inner pocket, then hurried me out of the room and down the isle.

He was right. She looked absolutely stunning, and she was all mine. The ceremony went off without a hitch. My best man was replaced by my father and I vowed to never forgive Lloyd. At the reception, the DJ announced the father-daughter dance, and so I took the time to read Lloyd's letter. I figured it would tell of some sorry excuse as to why he never showed up:

"I hope this reaches you in time, but I couldn't watch you marry her. I did the background check even though you didn't agree. Turns out you were right. Jackie has a squeaky clean past, accept that "Jackie" was born 5 years ago in a surgeons office. His name is Jacques and he was the man you married today."

Then I walked over to the bar and did something I hadn't done in a while. I ordered a drink.

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