That Hole That Never Got Fixed
This weekend was an intricate mix of salty and sweet.
Although I enjoyed the weekend, I was greeted by an unexpected text message this morning from my cousin that put my whole family situation into perspective. Since the beginning of my start of this blog, I rarely mention the inner working of my family. The family I speak of are the loved ones that I've grown up with. These are also the people that I've come to see in different ways. As we go from childhood to adulthood we begin to see the adults/elders around us for who they are with all of there different character traits. For most of my family, becoming more aware of who they are as individuals has done nothing to shake my love for them. Unfortunately, the same isn't true for a cousin of mine, that is my contemporary. As we have grown up, we have subsequently grown apart, but the reasons for this aren't short on supply.
Family isn't hand-picked. You are born into your family, and hopefully those become the people you can trust most in life. Some of us are given that luxury, while others aren't so lucky.
I have always been in this middle point between my mother and my relatives. For some reason, probably based on the past, my other relatives have issue with my mother, and as her daughter I remain objective while still keeping loyal to the person that raised me. Anyway, there's always been this metaphorical hole in the wall that we have all just worked around instead of mending. That hole being the relationship between both parties. As I've gotten older, I have done my best to maintain love and respect despite the obvious disrespect my mother receives from said relatives. Instead, I just leave my family out of any and all things concerning my mother because they, no matter what they feel, have not shown any love for my mother.
Today, this influx of negative energy, and things left unsaid have trickled down the vines. As an adult, I have control over what I do, and ultimately I no longer have to just allow things to happen to me or to my mother. Sadly, the deterioration of my relationship with a cousin I once considered a sister, is the end result of many years of unresolved issues. Not to say that this is the only reason, but it hasn't helped.
After a heated text message fight, the conclusion was never verbalized, but still obvious to both parties: we no longer want to work at trying to make our relationship work. There have been too many words left unsaid, and small altercations to make this thing work. I'm tired, and she, well I can't speak for her. All-in-all, I wish I could say that either of us will suffer, when the truth is... we won't. I may sound settled in my thoughts. Don't take that as a sign of a heartless nature, but I've come to terms with who I am, and the people my family is made up of. Another cousin of mine once told me that she loves my mother, but doesn't have to see her all the time or be around her all the time. The words came out of her with ease, and as a child I would have been hurt, but as an adult I can understand. Sharing blood with someone is not a ball and chain that tether you.
Once again, change is the constant. Nothing stays the same.