Monday, May 20, 2013

A Quarter Of A Century


In three days I will celebrate my 25th birthday.

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What do numbers mean? 
They represent measurements of time, money, space, weight and in this case age. In a few days ill be turning 25 and I have never felt so disgusted with myself.

I've hit this weird patch where I've lost sight of my dreams and aspirations. Goals are now only salary increases, yet another number. When asked what I wanted for my birthday my only reply was, "a raise...".  What I have successfully done before reaching 25, is lose my ambition. I've lost the part of me that imagined more. I still have the will to strive but my expectations are sub par at best.

The last time I felt ambitious and happy was when I was in my last year of college. I had so much going on and so much that had to be done. I literally had no time to think of anything outside of my studies. As I write this now, I realize that although I was happiest at that time it was also just another space for me to become lost only in the present.

She always asks me about the future and I physically shudder. I have no idea what the future holds for me because I have no real goals anymore. I've assumed this inactive position reserved for people well into retirement. Apart of me believes I have to maintain because of my bills, yet another number.

Well it's not okay anymore. Making money isn't the only goal. Especially when the money isn't even all that good. I need to fucking reset! I'm so angry with myself... I have to change. Until then, I have no reason to celebrate.




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