Sunday, May 11, 2014

About That Time I got Rejected...

Rejection is a bitch.

It's really a mindset. Psyching yourself out to believe that someone would deny you what you believe to be mutual. When your pride is involved, everything changes. It can go from, I got this to... maybe not. 

There's this person in my life. She's exceptional at reminding me that whatever I think I know, could really be false. What I appreciate about her is her will power. There's no way to get her to do what she does not intend to do. What I love most about her are the small things though. How she looks when she's focused. How she smiles when she really thinks something is funny. There is no denying that the amount of time I spend with her is small when compared to the amount of time I spend thinking about her. 

As you can see, I'm stuck. Somewhere between fear of rejection and fear of realization.

Awhile back I wrote a post on the use of the word "thirsty" and here I am feeling extremely parched.

While in her company the other day, I daydreamed about the possibility of making a move. I saw it all from start to finish and both times it ended up the same way. 

Alone together, she's talking, I stand up and as I'm approaching her she's giving me this look of complete horror. 
FAIL!  Okay, daydream two.
Alone together, we're playing a game, as we share a laugh I lean over and kiss her. While I'm leaning over she looks at me with disgust. 
FAIL! 

When I play these thoughts over in my head I'm repulsed by the thought of being rejected. This thought has worked it's way so deep in my head, that now I don't even know if I want it anymore. Something as simple as a kiss has literally broken me down. I've gone from Indiana Jones to the Cowardly Lion in a matter of weeks.

I was told that it's selfish to even try; selfish to try anything with someone that hasn't made it clear this is what they want. These are the times when I feel foolish. A part of me feels like I'll never make a move. Who wants to put someone in a position where they feel uncomfortable? Certainly not me. Right now it's fine the way it is, and I'm in no rush to turn it into anything else.

Hopefully, if I ever do work up the nerve it'll be memorable.


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