For four years I have loved and laughed with someone I both admire and adore. She has been with me through my final years in college, and through the beginning years of adulthood. We share experiences, collect memories and comfort each other through the toughest times.
That ended yesterday, Wednesday, April 30th and there isn't much that I can say.
A few weeks back she looked at me and said, “You can’t keep me on a shelf, Jayelle.” Those words seemed to stick with me in a way that forced me to reevaluate how I feel and what she wants. I had been keeping her on a shelf, as I only halfway lived my life like someone that was actually in a relationship. The thing is, when I dream, I dream alone. There is no one there with me. No significant other sharing in the success. I see no one else in my future as if I’ll be alone forever. I had been keeping her on a shelf; allowing her to love me while I remained selfish and inconsiderate.
I have never been good at saying goodbye. I leave parties with a wave and end phone calls with “alright”. It would have to be that this would be no different.
The last question I have for myself is right on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t seem to find the answer.
Will this decision to end it all because I can’t see forever haunt me?Outside of this relationship so much is going on. Family issues have mounted up and I’m just becoming more and more aware of how little we communicate and trust each other. Work life got rocky, but now it seems to be the most peaceful part of my life. There’s so much going on and yet I’m letting go of one of my biggest supporters. Is this self-destruction or self-realization? A little bit of both.
“You can’t put me on a shelf, Jayelle.” In my mind I hear her say it over and over. I respect her too much to allow her to continue on being with someone like me…