Living In Fear
Living in fear is as unsettling as it sounds. Especially when you’re biggest fear is being who you are.
Long before I came out to my mother, I had decided that I was going to be whoever I wanted to be. I left for college in New York City and although it was only a 45 minute drive from home, I felt like I was given the opportunity to be who I wanted to be. That person was free-spirited, open to new things (good and bad) and also a homosexual. This change in scenery; this 45 minute drive contributed so much to who I am today.
With all of this considered it’s been freeing to share this side of myself with family and friends. Since my first year of college I've slowly come out to more and more people. Aside from that I live my life out and proud; in that I have no qualms about being affectionate with someone that I’m with in public. What this open lifestyle has allowed me is peace of mind. There is nothing wrong with being who I am and loving who I want to love.
All o f this is well and good, until you come across someone that isn't living their life as you do. Of course I could turn away and simply say that I can only be involved with someone who is also “out”, but feelings just don’t work that way.
Is it foolish to
develop feelings for someone that can never openly admit their feelings for me?
YES, THE FUCK IT IS!
I’m no dummy. I know that the road I’m going down is sure to leave me feeling dissatisfied and unsure. As I go deeper down this rabbit hole I can’t help but wonder why I’d want to hide with someone? The short answer: her. The long answer: being with someone who is slightly unavailable allows me to continue to avoid commitment.
Her immediate stance on the topic continues to circle around family. This is a give in. We’re always concerned with how we will be perceived by our loved ones because family can be the harshest critic. Before I started letting my family into my personal life I just shrugged my shoulders to the idea of telling them. Then I started to realize that this was just my way to avoid the issue.
Bottom line: I have nothing to lose. While she on the other hand, has so much to lose. There is a part of me that feels she shouldn't risk anything on the basis of me. I consider myself to be a risky investment.
Could you be with someone that wasn't able to openly express their feelings for you?