Thursday, October 2, 2014

It's Painful


"You're an introvert and I never noticed that before..."

I never saw myself as one of those women that was in a relationship and lost touch with everyone else. I saw "those" women as foolish and obviously unable of having a meaningful relationship while balancing several others. I pitied the woman that became so lost in her partner that she no longer had any time for friends, family and the like.

As I read her words on my screen I was immediately outraged! Me? Jayelle is NO introvert! 
That is until I stepped outside of myself for a moment and realized that I'm slowly becoming that woman that I pity, and I'm slowly becoming a bit of an introvert. 

Friendships take work. I've written about the challenges that exist when involved in a friendship and this type of relationships requires effort.  When I left NYC, I left behind several of the relationships that were part of my day-to-day, assuming that I was leaving to give more TLC to my long term friendships. In Jersey, I had my best friend, my partner, my cousin and several other close friends.

The updated version of that list looks like this: I ended my 3 year relationship, my cousin and I rarely speak, my best friend and I are distant and I don't make any time to see the one close friend that tries to keep in touch. 

The job I landed that prompted the move here takes up much of my mental capacity. I'm challenged so often that turning my brain off from work isn't so easy as it has been in the past. Being management isn't easy either. I find myself in difficult positions on many occasions and I know for sure that this place in my career is the turning point. My performance here and my decisions at this job could greatly affect my future. 

Outside of that, my personal life is a cloudy mixture of brutal honesty and secrecy. The turmoil I feel within myself is just another pain point. Currently, there is no place in my life that I feel free. Let me be clear, I am not physically enslaved but emotionally I feel chained; so much so that I haven't even been able to write.

A coworker of mine says that change is necessary but painful. He says it at the end of every conversation we have and I have never been so aware of how right he was until now. 

I have changed. These changes aren't bad but because of the way I feel I'm not so sure they are all good either. I am painfully growing into this person that seems so different from the woman that walked down the streets of NYC months ago. 

This growth is painful, but this change is necessary. 

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