Monday, December 5, 2016

Then vs. Now

Things have changed.
I once was a messy, immature and bold young woman stomping through Brooklyn and Manhattan with a clear vision for what success and failure look like. I wrote about online dating stories and relished the opportunity to meet new and different people that I knew would never stay in my life. Friends were my end all be all and my job was the only woman I was faithful to. I spent money on whatever with little care for overdraft fees and late payments. Nothing really mattered but the next happy hour and free before 11 at the club.

So who am I now?
I overthink and take the stresses from my waking life to my dreams. Waking up at night with my chest pounding because my contract ends in a few months and I haven’t secured my next position. Almost forgot to tell you, I’m finally faithful and the serial cheater has let the pimp hand rest. My mom and I are in a weird place where she doesn’t yet see me as an adult but leans on me like I have all the answers. Don’t get me wrong, happy hour is still dope but now it happens at my apartment where I’m the bartender and the sole patron. My job which is now a “career” is still god in my world but slowly becoming a means to an end.

Relationships are fragile.
Maybe I was just so self-centered and blinded by the other women I was juggling that I never realized how fragile a relationship is. My last relationship ended badly and I only took off a few months before hopping into another one. She loved me but I don’t know if I was ready to truly love anyone more than myself. When an object is seen as fragile it has to be handled with care. It isn’t just because it can be easily broken that makes something fragile; it’s also because of the value we have assigned to the object. Finally, I value someone enough to think about their feelings before making a decision and that’s why it’s so fragile It’s fragile because I’m actually in love.

Family is complicated.
From the outside my family would appear to be the most loving and supportive group of people in my life. From the inside that is also true. It’s their relationships with my mom that still needs some work. The stress of balancing my love for them and my love for my mom is still a burden at times. I’m not sure of what I can really do to improve their views on her but I’m slowly realizing that this might be a losing battle.

It’s still hard to make friends.
Bullshit. Making friends is not hard. I make it hard because I have standards. Here are my standards:
1. Be smart
2. Have a job or just have your own money
3. Present yourself positively
4. Be ethical and conscious
5. Be open to new things/experiences
6. Enjoy dancing and music
7. Be smart

Simple list but so hard to actually find people with this make up. Luckily, I have two friends and a cousin that embody my list. Unfortunately, no one else does.

Work to live or live to work.
I definitely work to live. I like to eat crab legs and steak. I like to go to movies and take vacations. In order to live this way, I have to work. Marketing is constantly changing. It’s a good fit for someone like me because nothing remains the same and I get to continuously experiment and learn new ways attract an audience with content. I love my job and I love the way my career is progressing. My impatience makes me feel like I’m never doing enough. Improving the visibility of my personal brand IS something I can work on and it could take my mind off of other stresses in life.

Writing took a backseat.
Putting pen to paper of fingers to keys was my therapist. Writing helped me to see things more clearly. It’s always been the best way for me to dissect a problem but I lost that somehow.
I’ll be back.

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