Lesbian Nightlife in NYC Reviewed

As a black lesbian in this beautiful city, it has not always been so easy finding a bar or club that has just the right scene. Fortunately, my circle has expanded and I have been introduced to more lesbo-centric bars and nightclubs than necessary.

The Big Bad Lesbian

Hard femme's have a blended gender configuration that includes both feminine and masculine qualities.Within the queer world, a blend of these two characteristics isn't always embraced.

Reviewed: Lesbian Nightlife in NJ

I know how you feel. You're searching for lesbian clubs in NJ, and you're being directed to New York City. Well, there's two reasons for that: New York City has some of the best lesbian events and lesbian clubs in NJ are scarce.

What Women Want: Thirsty Edition

Now I know the "thirst" can be real and some people are far too quick to "fall in love", but when someone wants to see you and expresses that to you in a non-weirdo way; try your best to avoid using the term "thirsty".

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Violence Causes Silence #PrayForOrlando

I am in love with a woman who is genuine, kind, selfless and beautiful. She is one of the strongest people that I know and she is scared.

She is scared to share the part of herself that I see every single day; it’s the part of her that loves me. The tragedy in Orlando is monumental. It is yet another display of how loving someone can get you killed. It’s the reason why my father tells me to keep my sexuality to myself and it’s the reason why my partner is uncomfortable holding my hand in the street.

Recent news reports have revealed that the Orlando shooter used gay dating apps and had visited the Pulse nightclub. From this we can assume that his uncontrollable self-hatred resulted in the death of so many people last weekend. This isn’t the first time that someone so ashamed of their feelings and desires has lashed out at others for being free and unfortunately it will not be the last.

We have to stop pressuring and judging people for how they look or who they choose to love because many times it just ends in violence. Masculinity has nothing to do with sexuality and I truly believe this is the heart of the matter for so many closeted men out there. You are no less of a man for loving another man just as I am no less of a woman for loving another woman.

My partner will continue to be scared. As I rant and rave about this senseless tragedy she sits next to me in complete silence, so far removed from what has happened to people just like her. She has nothing to say about events such as this because this isn’t her community. She could not and does not want to be aligned with a group under such figurative and literal fire. How could she want to be part of a group that is so unsafe? That can be shot down even in a place they call home. 

Thursday, May 5, 2016

... Well It's Cause He's White

Racism and prejudice have been hot topics in the media and society for the past 3 years or so, and this doesn't mean that racism was dead prior to this but it's just been brought to light on a much larger scale. In my mind, we as a people should have outgrown prejudice and racism long ago. If only the strong survive then weak minded racists should have died off long ago.

Before I continue, let's define prejudice and racism.

Prejudice - preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience 
Racism - creates or reproduces structures of domination based on existentialist categories of race
Let's use an example:

P:  I've never met a dumb blonde before but she's so blonde she's gotta be dumb!
R: I hate that black woman because all blacks are lazy and stupid.
Now let's dive into why I'm even mentioning all of this at all.

I have a coworker(let's call him Paul) who is probably one of the most open-minded people that I know. Paul is funny, witty and he happens to be a white man that adores women of color. This doesn't define him as a person, but for the purposes here I'm using this as a display of how far he is from racist or prejudice.

On one occasion, we got to talking about another much older coworker(let's call him Tony) that I felt may not have felt comfortable around me because of my skin color. Paul couldn't understand why I could feel this way and told me that Tony couldn't possibly be racist because his son has a disability. He then told me that Tony is an older man and may still be adjusting to seeing a young black woman walking down the hallways. We won't even get into the reasons why that's absurd right now, so let's move on.

On a more recent occasion, I expressed to Paul that my interactions with one of our coworkers (let's call her Joan) are so awkward despite us having been around each other in and out of work. Paul instantly jumped to tell me that Joan is a nice girl and that she comes from a wealthy family. After thinking about it, I was unsure how knowing these things about Joan would help me to work through the awkwardness in our interactions.

On both occasions, Paul used "whiteness" as a reason why these coworkers might not interact with me easily. Paul could have flat out said, "Listen they are REALLY white people and that's why they just might not get along with you, Blackey!"

Bottom line: none of this is okay. Despite having all "black friends" and loving women of all color, Paul is still willing to make excuses for any preconceived notions anyone might have about me based on the color of my skin. Instead of charging these people with diving into this multicultural society I am supposed to understand why they might be uncomfortable.

This won't work in 2016. It won't work anywhere. I'm over it.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Taming of The THOT

Getting ready for a pride celebrations always starts off with the same thought, "what will I wear?" This preparation includes going to at least three different stores, deciding on a hairstyle and skimming through party flyers for themes. Looking good usually equates to feeling good and in a crowd filled with beautiful ladies, I'd like to look my best.

Well, in 2015 I can safely say I could not care less.

Hanging out with my cousin yesterday, he kept referring to me as "domesticated". It's his way of saying locked down or fully committed to my current relationship. I've been with several people prior to this particular relationship, but it's the first one my family has really known about. As a young man, the world is his oyster and part of him cannot imagine being that invested.

Why? Because's he's 21 and life is fucking dream. He also, at least halfway knows, that I was a THOT.

Let's break down the word "thot" for those that might not be as informed.
Commonly used by black twitter and Fabolous, a thot is a hoe. Thot = those hoes over there.
My best friend has also often referred to me a "slut". This is all quite fine with me because I can state confidently that college was a BLAST, and after it was pretty good too. I didn't have sex with random people, but I often was on the hunt. I attended pride, clubs, bars etc. with the intention of flirting the entire night. This all happened while I was in a few relationships.

That has all changed since I've become fully domesticated.

My current relationships is strong and I have never been so committed. I only have eyes for her. Not quite sure why now or why her, but I'm not interested in the answer. I'm in love and focused on the future in a way past girlfriends could never get me to do.

The thot has been tamed... 

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Gay Friends

A single bead of sweat dropped from my forehead as she walked by me. This perspiration wasn't from nerves, I was just working out. When she looked over, I went back to lifting and averted my eyes to ensure we never made contact. She stopped at a machine and started her reps and this would be the 5th or 6th time I was too scared to introduce myself. 

In the past, I've spoken about how difficult it can be to make friends as you get older. Many of my strongest bonds are with people I have known for years. Outside of work, it seems tough to go out of your way to connect with people but goddamn it I need to. I was sharing this with my girl and her response made me question all of my intentions. 

"Do all of your friends have to be gay?", she said in a flat text message.

My mouth got dry and I scrambled to spit out an answer to a question I had never really thought about. Several of my friends have been hetero in the past, but I do tend to lean more towards the gay scene. Then I started to wonder why that is...

Have I been prejudice all this time? 

Being a lesbian isn't just who I sleep with, it is also part of my identity. I'm aware that in social situations, my sexuality can affect my outlook on certain issues. Also, sometimes explaining that you ARE in a relationship and NO it's not a man can be unnecessarily awkward. 

Do I prefer to hang out with other gays? Yes. Am I anti-Hetero? Absolutely not!

Friendships are based on connections. However, how those connections are formed will play a role in the strength of the relationship. Preference is part of every single one of the decisions we make in life. Some people prefer sugar in their coffee and others don't. It's just preference. 

So the next time you're asked about your "gay friends" tell 'em you like your friends with a little more sugar.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Island

New York City made me feel alive. The city seemed to embrace all that was weird, misunderstood, unapologetic and creative. In NYC, I could be anyone that I wanted to be because the spotlight shined on all of us. There was nothing that seemed unobtainable when I lived in that beautiful city. 

Since moving things have dramatically changed. I have become isolated, uncommunicative and somewhat aloof. All that made me who I was seems to be muted. There is no spotlight in New Jersey only tolls and jughandles. Yes, moving here was completely based on my career but I'm starting to realize that my environment means more to me than I once thought. 
The rent is too damn high! Metrocards go up every month, while the trains slow down. Drinks are fucking over priced but goddamn it, I cannot think of a time when I was happier. Something has to change. 

Ricardo and Raymond were the first. Kwame was next. Then there was Tony, Joya, Tinesha and probably some others I forgot but I completely lost touch with all these people I saw regularly. I stopped talking to them because I was ashamed. Part of me equated leaving NYC to failure and I didn't want them to think less of me for leaving. I left for a pay raise and a better position, but I left the city for the suburbs and that's just not cool. What really isn't cool is ignoring phone calls just because your hiding from your friends. Eventually they stopped calling because... out of sight out of mind

I've become an island. Only a few have ever touched my shores and even less have gotten through the jungle. The butterfly that flittered through New York is no longer here. 

So here's the plan:
Step1: rediscover myself 
Step 2: change the course
Step 3: breathe 
Step 4: make moves 
Step 5: LIVE
Step 6: repeat steps 3-5

I am the master of my own destiny and I have ZERO to lose so it's time to take action. Being happy isn't a passive thing, it requires work.

It may not be NYC. Shit, I don't know where I'll end up, but I no one thing for certain: I'll be leaving the island

Friday, February 13, 2015

Ruling The Workplace

Over the past year I have learned so much about myself through my work. In the beginning, I had to prove myself each and everyday by being direct with my team and also being accessible to their thoughts, suggestions and at times disapproval. I became a department head by being honest, professional and at all times resourceful. 

Think about the last person that managed you. They might have been cold, unappreciative and if you're lucky the complete opposite. As a person that has dealt with several different types of managers, I knew it was my job to be the manager I had always wanted. That may seem like a far fetched idea, but I believe I have done that.  

In almost every interview I always ask the interviewee this probing question, "what qualities would you like your potential supervisor/manager to have?" I've been given several responses, but one sticks out the most: honest. Luckily, this had already matched with my personality so I was off to a god start. There is nothing that you want more from a manager than there ability to let you know when they feel you are not performing. Conversely you also want to know when you ARE performing. There is always a balance. Being a fair individual requires balance. 

Here's how you can rule the workplace:

1. Educate Yourself 
This is required just to get in the place, but you should acquire more knowledge while you are there.  Take webinars and read books that will better prepare you for your day to day. After you do that, share that with your team. 

2. Be Bold
When asked about the one noticeable quality about Jayelle it would have to be her boldness. No, this isn't an attempt at patting myself on the back but more so an observation. I am a bold bitch. Why? Because in the workplace playing small gets you nowhere. Since elementary school I have had nothing but success on my mind. In choir I sang louder than my peers and raised my hands more than others because I knew there was no better example of my passion than application. 

3. Professionalism at all Times
You're feeling upset? Suck it up! I don't mean to be rude. In fact, I take it back. Except, I don't. There is no room for you to express strong emotions that involve crying. Passion? Yes you can be passionate, as long as you remain composed and support your passion for any given project/task/employee with data or facts. 

4. Evolve
Innovation gets you noticed. It also gets you a raise. Applying what you learn from educating yourself can translate into innovation or evolution. Assist your team in evolving by being a catalyst for change. No one appreciates the employee that doesn't like change. Continue to push what you know to the limit and apply your learned knowledge to your innovative plan of action. What is required? Does your innovation improve profitability? Does it affect a certain percentage of clients? Will this alleviate a need? Ask yourself these questions. 

Remember: Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Big Bad Lesbian

shane mccutcheon L word big bad lesbian
An example of the Big Bad Lesbian
in her natural state.
My first girlfriend would pride herself on being able to "turn girls out". She thought her swag, smile and charm could bring a "straight" girl to her knees. Each and every guy in her circle had it in their mind that she could have any woman she wanted. Eventually, I became one of those women that were brought to their knees, supposedly charmed right out of my pants. It didn't matter that I had already shown interest in women or that I wanted her just as bad she wanted me because she was a big bad lesbian. 

It's been about six months since I started dating her and I couldn't ask for anything more. We communicate seamlessly sharing the deepest parts of our hopes, dreams and fears with one another. She's become a fixture in my life in such a short amount of time, that I find myself wondering if I'm still the same person who said "no" to forever earlier this year. It's picture perfect except for one undeniable thing: she hasn't come out. 

"I'm not gay. I like guys." These confusing and utterly ridiculous words showed up in a text message conversation. While doing her best to let me into her feelings and share this tough time with me she also indirectly sent me a clear message: I am not like you. Of course, I'd be a terrible person to hold this against her right after she took the leap and shared this side of herself with someone that means so much to her. I'd also be a complete idiot not to take all that I can from words that are said at such a vulnerable time.

All of a sudden I have become the big bad lesbian.

The aggressive woman that forced her hyper-sexualized nature on someone's unsuspecting daughter. The unrelenting and mischievous girl that has ruined the good nature of daddy's little angel.

the l word gif

Let's dispel the myth of "turning a girl out" right here. There is no way that I can persuade a heteronormative woman that is solid in her sexuality to place her mouth on my vagina without some large sum of money. There is no way that a heteronormative male grounded in his sexuality will allow another man to engage in anal sex with him without something of importance hanging in the balance.

Bisexuality is a thing folks! Curiosity is a an even bigger thing and it's safe to say that many of us experience a level of curiousity every damn day. There is no big bad lesbian lurking behind the bushes waiting to fall face first into the lap of an unsuspecting straight girl because most of the time a "straight girl" that is approached by a lesbian and obliges has already had that thought or fantasy run through her mind. 

Rest easy tonight because your daughters, sisters and mothers are safe from the big bad lesbians. It's their curiosities, fantasies and deep dark secrets that you should be afraid of.