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Lesbian Nightlife in NYC Reviewed

"As a black lesbian in this beautiful city, it has not always been so easy finding a bar or club that has just the right scene."

Smash N' Dash

"While hanging out with some friends we got to talking about this trend that some people follow in believing they have to date someone in order to have sex with them. I've done it. I think we all have. Gotten into a relationship with someone with the sole purpose of seeing what their like in the sack. This is probably one of the biggest mistakes one can make..."

Navigating The One Night Stand

"Your ego takes a hit when there is no follow up text or even a check up that comes a few days later. Then again, most of my sexual experiences weren't with someone I had met only a few hours before."

Defining The Hard Femme

Of all the many "groups" within the queer world, I believe the hard femme was dealt the worst deck of cards because even within a community that seeks to live outside the norm, binary systems exist and she cannot be defined by those.

The Mis-Adventures of a Lesbian Online Dater pt.6

I remember meeting Slim like it was yesterday. We exchanged messages on DowneLink and threw compliments back and forth. She was pretty much the tallest women I had ever considered dating and also the most masculine in appearance.

Beyonce and Pepsi: The Unfortunate Deal

By looking at Beyonce's post-baby body, it's obvious that soda is not a part of her daily diet and exercise regiment. Bloggers slammed her for lending her star powered image to a refreshment that does not promote a positive lifestyle. I have to say that I agree.

The Death of Hip-Hop: Trinidad James

His music isn't made from talent, artistic inspiration or stories of struggle, but nonsense with a catchy hook. Wherever that bar was that Tupac and Biggy set and left behind, Trinidad James broke it in half.

How The Side-Chic Becomes The Main Chic

Recently, someone close to me decided to leave their main girlfriend for their side-chic. In fact, the side-chic has now taken on the role of main chic, seemingly overnight. Now, before we continue, let us define the "side-chic"..

How To Deal With Office Politics

This lesson in workplace politics taught me so much about everyone involved and more importantly, myself. This incident also put things into perspective, as clarity is all that one can hope for aside from getting fired...

Transgender, The Hybrid Gender?

You maybe thinking that I'm automatically wrong because, for example, a transgender, FTM woman, feels that she is truly a man at her core, but it does not take away from the experiences of being a woman...

Rihanna, Chris Brown and Karrueche Sitting in a Tree...

"There is NO winner in this situation. Rihanna should not consider herself some type of victor in this mess. Karrueche found herself in the middle of two people on the rebound."

The Mis-Adventures of a Lesbian Online Dater pt. 4

"I had this fantasy I wanted to fulfill. The long and short of it? I had never been with a Caucasian woman, so I thought CraigsList.com could help me with that."

The Dinah Shore 2013

“The Dinah is considered the largest lesbian event in the world. Anyone can come to Palm Springs and produce an imitation of what you know as the Dinah Shore Weekend, and cause further confusion by calling it The Dinah Shore Weekend."

Rihanna is Forgiving, but Hopefully NOT, Forgetting

"The real question that Brown and Rihanna raise has been brought up for years, are celebrities responsible for the messages that they send to their fans?"

Friday, October 31, 2014

Walking Down The Street

My alarm had gone off for the fifth time and I was just about to hit snooze again before I groggily realized it was 10:30 am. My 10am class was well underway and it would take me at least 45 minutes to get to Columbus Circle. I threw on a hoodie, some ill-fitting jeans and my workout shoes rushing out of the door.

Right before the train station, there was a man standing outside of the apartment building. He was looking up at the building talking to someone hanging out of the window. I looked up in the direction then proceeded to carry on with my run/walk towards the station. As I passed him he licked his lips and said, “if you weren't rushing off to work, I’d stuff my dick in you.” My mouth nearly hit the floor, but his statement only helped me walk faster. I ran down the steps, slid my metro and hopped on the arriving train.

hollaback NYC catcall video image

This is only one of many experiences I have had walking down the streets of New York. This week a video was published of a young woman receiving endless catcalls from men on NYC streets she walked for 10 hours. The young woman did as most of us do, she kept her eyes on where she was headed and didn't say a word. Some of the cat-callers expressed anger at her for ignoring their compliments while one man followed her for 5 minutes. 

Watching the video I couldn't help but wonder, “Is this supposed to be groundbreaking?”

I’m not the most well-traveled person in the world, but I can tell you that New York City men are one of the most aggressive breeds in the United States. They have no issues with expressing how they feel about you and your wardrobe without any filter. The experience I had mentioned before is one of maybe a hundred occurrences I have had while simply walking down a block. I know that when I plan on going out with friends and I decide to “show my stuff” a little I am going to hear something from someone on the street.

No matter what there is one point to be made from this: some men are completely unaware of how to use their brains. It is fine to think whatever you want about the beautiful woman that walked by you on the street and keep that shit to your goddamn self. It should not be a woman’s fault that she decided to “look good” today so she has to just deal with your comments. There are nuisances to oppression and this is another representation of that. Women are oppressed by the male gaze.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe anything will be done. This video will make its rounds throughout the media, and I will still have to warn my friends about catcalls when we plan a girl’s night in the city.

Watch The Daily Show version here:

Thursday, October 2, 2014

It's Painful


"You're an introvert and I never noticed that before..."

I never saw myself as one of those women that was in a relationship and lost touch with everyone else. I saw "those" women as foolish and obviously unable of having a meaningful relationship while balancing several others. I pitied the woman that became so lost in her partner that she no longer had any time for friends, family and the like.

As I read her words on my screen I was immediately outraged! Me? Jayelle is NO introvert! 
That is until I stepped outside of myself for a moment and realized that I'm slowly becoming that woman that I pity, and I'm slowly becoming a bit of an introvert. 

Friendships take work. I've written about the challenges that exist when involved in a friendship and this type of relationships requires effort.  When I left NYC, I left behind several of the relationships that were part of my day-to-day, assuming that I was leaving to give more TLC to my long term friendships. In Jersey, I had my best friend, my partner, my cousin and several other close friends.

The updated version of that list looks like this: I ended my 3 year relationship, my cousin and I rarely speak, my best friend and I are distant and I don't make any time to see the one close friend that tries to keep in touch. 

The job I landed that prompted the move here takes up much of my mental capacity. I'm challenged so often that turning my brain off from work isn't so easy as it has been in the past. Being management isn't easy either. I find myself in difficult positions on many occasions and I know for sure that this place in my career is the turning point. My performance here and my decisions at this job could greatly affect my future. 

Outside of that, my personal life is a cloudy mixture of brutal honesty and secrecy. The turmoil I feel within myself is just another pain point. Currently, there is no place in my life that I feel free. Let me be clear, I am not physically enslaved but emotionally I feel chained; so much so that I haven't even been able to write.

A coworker of mine says that change is necessary but painful. He says it at the end of every conversation we have and I have never been so aware of how right he was until now. 

I have changed. These changes aren't bad but because of the way I feel I'm not so sure they are all good either. I am painfully growing into this person that seems so different from the woman that walked down the streets of NYC months ago. 

This growth is painful, but this change is necessary. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Dirty Girl


It's been such a long time since I had saw her. Since I had even answered her call.

When I read her messages I could almost feel the desperation. I remember I traced the letters just imagining how she looked when she sent them. She starts off every communication between us by letting me know how much she has "missed me". Her words twist me and separate me from the logical part of myself. Flashbacks of every interaction we've had always reminds me of the satisfaction after every interaction we have. She's exactly what I need. 

She's open, positive, loyal, caring and willing to let me be whoever I need to be. From a student to a career woman, she's always been so supportive. Yet, I've spent the last few months avoiding her; neglecting her.

It's the same question I always seem to ask: how could someone like her want to please someone like me? Her masochistic ways make her all the more intriguing. 

She's my dirty girl. 
She's my confidante.  
She's my little space on the web, and it's been far too long...

Friday, August 8, 2014

Living In Fear

Living in fear is as unsettling as it sounds. Especially when you’re biggest fear is being who you are.
Long before I came out to my mother, I had decided that I was going to be whoever I wanted to be. I left for college in New York City and although it was only a 45 minute drive from home, I felt like I was given the opportunity to be who I wanted to be. That person was free-spirited, open to new things (good and bad) and also a homosexual. This change in scenery; this 45 minute drive contributed so much to who I am today.
With all of this considered it’s been freeing to share this side of myself with family and friends. Since my first year of college I've slowly come out to more and more people. Aside from that I live my life out and proud; in that I have no qualms about being affectionate with someone that I’m with in public. What this open lifestyle has allowed me is peace of mind. There is nothing wrong with being who I am and loving who I want to love.
All o f this is well and good, until you come across someone that isn't living their life as you do. Of course I could turn away and simply say that I can only be involved with someone who is also “out”, but feelings just don’t work that way.

Is it foolish to develop feelings for someone that can never openly admit their feelings for me?

YES, THE FUCK IT IS!

I’m no dummy. I know that the road I’m going down is sure to leave me feeling dissatisfied and unsure. As I go deeper down this rabbit hole I can’t help but wonder why I’d want to hide with someone? The short answer: her. The long answer: being with someone who is slightly unavailable allows me to continue to avoid commitment.
Her immediate stance on the topic continues to circle around family. This is a give in. We’re always concerned with how we will be perceived by our loved ones because family can be the harshest critic. Before I started letting my family into my personal life I just shrugged my shoulders to the idea of telling them. Then I started to realize that this was just my way to avoid the issue.
Bottom line: I have nothing to lose. While she on the other hand, has so much to lose. There is a part of me that feels she shouldn't risk anything on the basis of me. I consider myself to be a risky investment.

Could you be with someone that wasn't able to openly express their feelings for you?

Thursday, July 17, 2014

You Date Black Girls?


When I woke up that morning, I chose an outfit that would make me feel pretty. Whenever I help my mom pick out "date" clothes, I always ask her if she feels confident, and today that burden fell on me. The feelings attached to your "date outfit" have to make you walk with confidence, and most of all let your date know that you're a bad bitch. 

As I walked up to the bar I saw her sitting on the front steps, blonde hair tucked behind her ear; attention focused on her phone. When she looked up we locked eyes from afar and I couldn't help but wave. It's funny how little control you have over your body when you're nervous. We looked each other over and I couldn't help but wondering why this petite, attractive, white woman had any interest in me.

Okay, so before you start calling me a fool you have to see where I'm coming from. My Civil War mentality doesn't just stem from ignorance. In my research(dating/flirting) history there have been very little women outside of my own race that have taken interest in me. Every other leap year, I'll meet a white woman that actually finds me appealing and usually I'm interested too, but once again it rarely happens. Also, I feel like I'm too big for them. Now at this point I probably sound ridiculous, but I just feel like they prefer women with less body. I'm a full bodied woman. 

Once inside, we started talking as we had online. Briefly going through the work day and sharing the impersonal version of the stories that had lead us to where we are now. It's bad taste to bring up past relationships so we skimmed over those topics making sure to circle back to anything else. 

The atmosphere provided us with few distractions, so it really encouraged us to focus on the topic at hand: getting to know each other. Although I pride myself in being a conversationalist, I was at a loss slightly and I found myself wanting to ask her one of the most self-conscious questions; "do you like me?" 

We left the bar and walked over to another bar I had never been to. The eager security guard held open the door and invited us to watch the drag show. With a single glance we both decided this was exactly what we wanted to do. She paid for my ticket and we took our seats.
One of the easiest ways to show someone you're interested in them is through touch, so while we enjoyed the show I got a little closer and brushed against her, letting her know I didn't just want to be her friend. As the drinks started to flow, we loosened up and overall I think we both had a great time. 

Dating is a self inflicted social experiment aimed at making two strangers get to know one another in as little time as possible. I do my best to move past the awkward stage and into the "I don't know you but I'm comfortable"stage. Comfort is the magic ingredient in every relationship in our lives. Of course, that level varies for each person we interact with. Coworkers are at a different level than your party friends and your party friends are at a different level than your close friends. On this date my comfort level was off, simply because I was so wildly ignorant. I assumed long ago that my brown skin was simply unattractive to anyone outside of the "ethnic category". As progressive as I am, I still have so much to learn and several insecurities to overcome.


Read more online dating stories here

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Relationship Tendencies


It's been about 3 months since my relationship ended, and I'm suffering from this bothersome illness that is seriously fucking with me. 

What is this horrible affliction you ask? It's something I like to call, relationship tendencies.

Now, you may be wondering, what is a relationship tendency? Well, they are habits that are formed once you're in a relationship. These tendencies/habits can sometimes live on even when that previous relationship has ended.

For example: good morning text messages, kissy face emojis, over-sharing emotions, feeling slighted when the other person doesn't "express", spending way too much fucking time, wanting to use the word "baby" etc. 

Those are just a sample of the symptoms one experiences when they have just ended a long-term relationship and started prospecting someone else. These habits have got to go, and I am lucky that I'm woman enough to admit that I'm just doing a little too much.

As I searched for some way to cure myself of these pesky relationship tendencies, I realized I was looking the problem in the mirror. It all starts and ends with me. 

The cure for relationship tendencies cannot be picked up at the local pharmacy or treated with high grade marijuana, instead you have to step back and remember why you ended the last relationship. If any of those reasons include: not wanting to be in a relationship, then you need to calm your happy ass down.

For more information on symptoms, treatment and more email: adminjmd @ changeistheconstant.com


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

What Are You Thinking About?

Remember when you asked me what I was thinking?
You remember, it was that time that seemed like every other time.

Half the time spent with you, I’m just thinking about you. Wondering how I should hold my hands. In what position I should stand and what I can say to let you know that this won’t be just like the last time.

That’s when I choke.

I live for the passing moments in life. The small talk in the conversation, and the times that end as quickly as they come; yet here I am with you thinking about forever. Or however long forever can really be when there really is no you and me.

...What was I thinking? 

I was thinking about the last time I felt your skin. The face you made right before you told me “no” for the hundredth time, and then helped me slip off your shorts. I was thinking about the conversations we had that lead us to where we are right now. I was thinking about kissing you. I was wondering if when you got really close to me, it was because you wanted me too. I was thinking about how difficult it will be to avoid developing feelings for you; at least anymore than I already have…

That’s when I shake my head.

It always happens right after you kiss me in that way that makes me think that you feel more for me than you say. It usually happens right after I start thinking past the here and now. Truth Is, I want all of you. 

By the way, you didn't have to ask me to write for you because there are pages in my mind reserved just for you. 

 
 
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